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Official moved into my new space . . .

January 11, 2011

I have officially made my move.  I hope you will follow me to http://www.cousinschaos.blogspot.com

 

See you there!

Mixed Emotions and Moving . . .

December 21, 2010

The life of an IFer.  Even if you are blest to have a precious bundle of joy, your life still consistently revolves around a calendar.  I never kept up with my cycles prior to TTC, but it just seems to come naturally now.  So, my first official AF was Nov. 1st.  I didn’t really take note of when I thought I might be o’ing, but December 5th/6th rolled around and still no AF.  I immediately have a huge rush of emotions.  Have my cycles gone back to normal and could I actually be pregnant??  How would I really feel about being pregnant right now??  How will Chris feel??  How will we deal a second child when we are just now adjusting to one??  Could this be??  Could I be the cliche??

December 15th rolls around and I have Chris go pick up a HPT.  I, remembering the original TTC days, did not take the test until the morning after.  I POAS and waited the longest 3 minutes ever.  I stared at the HPT and waited and waited.  Only one line showed.  So, immediately I was relieved, but then all of the old IF emotions started to surface.  The relief came from not knowing if I would be ready to be a mommy again 9 months later, but the disappointment was still there.  Will I ever be able to have a second child if we choose??  It saddens me to think that if I decide I want a 2nd child, it just may not happen.

With that being said, I am completely in love with Liam.  I cannot imagine life without him.  He makes me smile more and more everyday.  He is 3 1/2 months old right now and growing.  He currently weighs 13 lbs. 8 oz.  We measured his head here a couple of weeks ago and it was 17″!!!  To me that is absolutely crazy considering my head is 21″s.  He is giggling and smiling up a storm these days.  He is also a BIG talker.  He is so chatty, and as a speech path, I LOVE IT!!!!!  He holds his huge head up pretty well, but I am still too nervous to sit him in his bum.bo chair.  He is also pushing up pretty well during tummy time.  I am hoping to see him roll over soon!

In other news, I have decided to “move” my blog.  I made this decision for a couple of different reasons.  (1) I don’t downplay my IF experience, but I need to move past the sadness as much as I can.  I want to be able to enjoy Liam without focusing on the possibility of not being able to have a brother or sister for him; I want to be able to focus on the family I am blessed to have now and (2) I want to be able to share Liam’s life with more people IRL.  I feel like a lot of things I have shared with my IF friends are not things I feel comfortable sharing with people IRL.  It may be silly or ridiculous, but there are not that many people in my life that can truly understand where I am coming from.  I honestly don’t want to deal with their questions or their, “I had no idea.  .  .”  So, my new blog will be  www.cousinschaos.blogspot.com

I have not officially posted anything yet because I am hoping to get it nice and cute b/f I do so.  Hopefully I can get my friend Alison at GigglyGirl Designs to pimp my new blog.  Check out her work at http://thisgigglygirl.blogspot.com/.  She is absolutely awesome!

Long time coming

October 19, 2010

So if you notice, my previous post is over 2 months old!  So much has happened since then and I realize I have been totally and completely out of the loop.  I do have a few reasons for being away; mainly relating to my new kiddo!

Liam was born on Labor Day (9/6/10) at 2:48 pm.  I was set to be induced the following Wednesday (9/8/10), so I am thankful he came early.  One of my co-workers had hoped that I would have to be in labor on Labor day and he definitely got his wish.  My water broke around 11pm on 9/5/10.  Honestly, I was not sure if I pee-peed in my pants or if my water broke since I was a first timer.  I decided to call the hospital around 1:30am and they told me to come in just to check it out.  At that time, I was having what felt like menstrual like cramps, so I really did not know if I was actually in labor.  I got to the hospital and found out that I was indeed in labor.  I labored for several hours and was so thrilled when he finally arrived.  His birth is indescribable.  The feeling was amazing knowing that he was finally here.

We finally took him home and the fun began.  Liam is a formula fed baby.  Yes, I am one of those mothers.  I don’t really feel that I have to justify my decision to formula feed, but I know I made the right decision for our family.  **(Please see bottom of post if you need clarification)  The first week of formula feeding was horrible.  Primarily because Liam needed a sensitive formula vs. regular formula.  We were up most nights pretty much the entire night fighting gas.  After changing formula, burping constantly, and purchasing a Nap N.anny, we finally figured out a good system for him.  That goodness for my mother!  I could not have made it through without her!

The following weeks have been fantastic.  I have gotten to know my little boy a little more each day and I am enjoying every moment of it.  I head back to work in 3 weeks and I definitely have mixed emotions about it.  I love what I do, but I, like most, have a stressful job at times.

So besides taking care of the day-to-day needs of my child and home, I often feel the guilt of now living the dream that I dreamt for so long.  A fellow blogging friend, Mic, at ifcrossroads.wordpress.com expressed the same guilt; however, she did it much more eloquently than I have.  None the less, I have been toying with idea of “moving” my blog.  At this point, I choose to be happy.  I choose to not let the guilt of being successful after IF get the best of me.  I am definitely trying to figure out what is best for me and my family.  I would love to be able to continue to share Liam and his development, but I want to enjoy him without worrying about the constant reminder of the pain it took to get him here.  I guess I just feel like it is an injustice for him for me to live so much in the past.  I will always remember the struggle it took to get him, I will always remember the friends I have made along the way, and I will always be grateful for the encouragement I got.  I hope that if I do decide to move, those who want to will continue to follow our story as I will continue to follow those who have been successful and those who still are struggling.  When I have made my final decision about the “move,” I will definitely write a final post here.

On a happy note, I am inserting a picture of the new man in my life.

**I had a breast reduction my junior year in college.  I knew having that surgery significantly reduced my chances of being able to breast feed.  I also know that my female medical history has pretty much been spot on to my mother’s and my maternal grandmothers.  Both my mom and grandmother were unable to breastfeed due to lack of production of milk.  Therefore, for my sanity and my husband’s sanity, I made the choice to begin with formula.  I know it was the right choice for me because I never produced any milk post baby.

Summer’s Ending; SO Ready for New Beginnings

August 8, 2010

I know by now that most of those who still pop by to read my post on occasions realize that I am a HORRIBLE blogger!  None the less, I thought I would update you guys anyway.

My summer “off” is officially coming to an end.  The downside of the summer for me is that I worked, so I really didn’t get the break that I truly wanted.  My school starts inservice week this Wednesday, so I officially have 2 more days of summer.  Unfortunately, I have a list a mile long that I would like to complete before my break is officially over.  I finished cleaning out closets and re-organizing them yesterday, but I still feel like there are tons of things I still want to get done before the little man arrives.  The only major “chore” that I have left is vacuuming, but my baseboards and blinds look horrendous and the laundry continues to pile up!  The scary thing is that Liam hasn’t even arrived yet and I am already behind.  This may not look good for our future :-)!

In baby news, we are officially 36 and 1/2 weeks and the last 3 and 1/2 weeks cannot pass quickly enough!!!  There is no level of comfort in the last month or so of pregnancy.  Right now, one of Liam’s appendages is poking directly into my ribs.  I literally think I have an internal bruise because it is SO freaking sore right under my left boob.   We are close to having his nursery complete.  It really is functional, but it lacks a couple of the cosmetic touches that I had hoped to have finished before he arrives.  My mother has taken on the daunting task of making his bedding and thus far has only completed the bed skirt.  She is in process of finishing the bumper pad, but she only has roughly 3 1/2 weeks to do it!  I am generally really laid back about this sort of thing, but right now I just want it DONE!!!  I also have a girlfriend that is doing some custom artwork for me and like my mother, she is kind of slow.

I have 2 more showers to go before the baby arrives as well.  I have had 2 and got many adorable items, but I find that many of them are not really that useful.  I guess I had it in my mind that people would actually use your registry when buying baby items, but this is not true. I guess when I think about it, I never really paid much attention to other’s registries when I bought baby gifts before.  I mean who wants to buy socks and burp rags when there are all of those adorable outfits!!!

Anyway, I leave you with a couple of nursery pics.  They are not the most clear photos you have ever seen since they were taken with my phone, but they will do for now.  .  .

Rocky Mt. High

July 13, 2010

And we are back .  .  .  I am glad and sad at the same time.  I LOVE vacation time and I LOVE to travel.

We flew out July 1st heading towards Colorado.  My family loves the mountains and it seemed like the perfect get away for us.  If there is an outdoor activity out there, my family generally loves to do it.  The travel time was actually pretty horrendous.  My small town does have a great airport; unfortunately it costs and arm and a leg to fly out of here.  So we drove 2 hours to Tulsa in order to catch a more reasonably priced flight.  Once we landed in Denver (1.5 hour flight), we loaded up with my BIL and headed south to Buena Vista (another 2+ hour drive).  Needless to say, by the time we got there, my body was ridiculously sore!

We spent the next few days there, but the highlight was definitely going to Salida to watch the fireworks on the 4th.  We took a blanket to the park and laid underneath the trees.  It really would have been super “romantic,” if you will, if our family had not been there.  None the less, the trip overall was pretty fun.  Hopefully next time we go back, I can actually do the rafting and hiking.

In other news, my mom came into town last week and we worked on Liam’s nursery.  We are slowly pulling everything together and hopefully will have it completely finished by the time the chair we ordered comes in.  I will post pics as soon as it is all finished!

*Side note:  I decided to post previously about my swollen toes not necessarily to complain, but to make fun of the awful parts of pregnancy.  Laughing at the horrible side-effects of pregnancy helps me appreciate the whole process.

Sausage Toes

June 29, 2010

I have known my entire life that I am definitely not adopted.  If you compare my mother’s feet and mine, they are exactly the same.  It would be too small of a world to find two individuals whose feet are so a like.  With that being said, we are not two people who could ever be foot models.  Our feet are wider with dumpier toes.  We also have this crazy smashed-up baby toenail that is really quite disgusting looking.  Enter pregnancy.  My feet have gone from ugly to down right horrific! 

With that being said, my feet start off relatively normal in the morning.  I would say that my toes start off maybe as cocktail weenies.  However, as the day progresses, so do my feet.  By the end of the day, I think my toes resemble brats.   .  . I am hoping my escape to the mountains will help decrease the daily plumping of my feet.

Forever and a day

June 24, 2010

Yes, I know.  It has been an eternity since I last posted anything! When I initially started thinking about blogging I knew I would be terrible at keeping it updated.  Springtime for a special educator is CRAZY!!!!  I compare it to an accountant’s tax season; unfortunately it is longer in duration.  Once all of my annual reviews were over, the third trimester hit me hard.  Literally I could sleep all day! 

So then began my summer.  Most school employees have the summer off.  But, I being the dedicated speech pathologist that I am, signed up to do extended school year and additional summer evaluations.  So my day has generally consisted of working, napping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.  I really have no other excuses, but I just feel like there are not enough energized hours in the day to get it all done.  I seriously do not understand how preggo women who already have children do it.  I honestly do not know what I would do without my daily 2 hour naps.  Yes, 2 hours.  Once again, I know it is ridiculous!

The main reason why I wanted to post today was to ask some advice.  I have a co-worker whose daughter has suffered from IF for the past year plus.  She also suffers from PCOS.  She started down the same exact tract that I did — clomid, IUIs, and then IVF.  In her first IVF attempt, she over-stimmulated and her cycle had to be cancelled.  She got much better results in her 2nd IVF cycle with 7 fertilized eggs and 4 that were able to be frozen after they implanted 2.  I had the highest of hopes for her.  Her lining was excellent, she is in excellent shape, she is only 27, etc.  I felt really good that I could give advice and console her and her mother during this process.  It made me feel like my personal struggle had meaning since I was almost able to counsel.  Here now in lies the problem; her mother called me yesterday heartbroken because the cycle did not take.  I had no words.  I was dumbfounded and no longer could be the counselor they so desperately needed.  This is why I need your help, what can I say or do?  I immediately felt like the “elephant in the room.”  I am one of the lucky ones.  My IVF took the 1st time.  Are there any words or actions that will help them through this grieving process??